I really hate to admit this. I am against writing something so demotivating. But I can't deny it anymore. I'm having another bout of writer's block! Seriously, even if I forced myself to write, I could not do it or would not do it. Like this entry. I have been planning to update my blog for quite sometime. I logged on, opened up a new post, fingers on the keypad and ended up staring blankly at the screen. It's just not happening!
Suddenly I came to a realisation that - I CAN'T WRITE!
I have 3-4-8 story ideas in mind. But I just cannot commit myself to any of them! Kiki No.5. Ada & Evan, Saga Ophir. Amar. Hero Hikayat. 365 1/4. Advencer Seorang Beruang. Gadis Klasik. Bukan Hero. Bukan Nama Sebenar. And a few others. It's not that I don't have the time. Or space. Or purpose.
I just don't have the will. And the inspiration. And the thrill.
I JUST CAN'T WRITE!
Maybe not yet.
I've lost my muse. And I CAN'T WRITE!
The last time this happened, it took me almost one year to recover. That was after L.U.V.E. I couldn't really write anything proper after my first book. Poetry? Too mushy. Blog updates? Too technical. Another book? I can't place a word.
Sepertinya, waktu ku tulis akhiran L.U.V.E. itu, L juga turut ternoktah di situ. Seolah-olah ku tulis L.U.V.E sehabis nyawa seorang L. Untuk L.U.V.E., L lah muse ku. Sebab L, ku menulis L.U.V.E. Dan selepas itu L hilang. Tak kunjung kembali lagi.
I just can't write anymore.
But of course, the were other circumstances which hindered me from continuing with the second book. I was promoted and transferred. I had to move to a new place.
I was alone. Without L. Without a muse. And I was scared to write again.
And then came N.
She was in a relationship with someone. Then she's not. Then she's back with him again. Then she's not. She's on. Then he's off. Again and again and again.
But I think I was in love with her, secretly but openly. Macamane tuh?
She became my muse for 1 4 3.
But she left for UK before I finished my second book. I never told her my feelings for her. It didn't matter. Just the thought of loving her was enough to sustain my fantasy - in this context, creativity, bukan mimpi basah occay! It kept me going through hours of late night writing and countless days of re-writing.
On her last day, I only said, "Thank you for letting me be your friend."
And after that, I managed to finish 1 4 3.
It has been two months now and I haven't done any serious writing as yet.
I had quit my previous job. Got myself another job, which by the way, was unexpected. Luckily I didn't have to move.
But I just couldn't really write.
Again, I have lost my muse.
Maksudnya, ku harus jatuh cinta lagi?